the Fitzroy Flasher

art and ideas: photos and words: mainly and sometimes.

I am so small

And drowning

In massive waves

That will crush me

If they break while

I stand naked

In backlit honesty

Stained from a day

That toiled, swords drawn

With my tender heart

And spoiled my hair

When I sweated cold

With stomach knotted

And gritted my teeth

And shut my eyes

Breathing to the meditative kindness

Of some podcast or other

About self love and courage

Yet all the while hands shaking

And all the while aching

With all the doubt

That shouted

In my ear

And naked here

In naked fear

I breathe the residue

Of this horrid day

Yet torrid I am

With the braves

I smell like musk,

Or Lust? Maybe

Just the scent

Of anxiety sweat

That is all mine –

… I float just fine.

She tells me she thinks horizontally:

An ‘aha’ moment for this vertical thinker.

She says it is another reason we should not be together,

So I point out evolutionary theory or genetics,

Or some paper I read once about pheromones

And how our kids would cover the axis

(Centre line aligned).

Opposites attract for a reason, I ponder.

And as we pass a potted tree

She announces it as a Grevillea

And I counter with Banksia ?

But neither of us know for sure

So we agree it’s a flowering native.

The dusty air

Is warm

My throat is dry

And you and I

We’re in overalls

On the bank

Of an ancient river

Waiting for rain

That we can smell

Waiting …

For so long we

Start talking tall

Of sea creatures

Anemones

Sounds like

Enemies

We collapse

Laughing

To unforgiving earth

As rain falls

Heavily

Rapidly

And life erupts

I grab your arm

And pull you to

Unsteady feet

We gasp for air

And kiss

Through water

streaming

Down our faces

Giddily we watch

Torrential chaos

And I swear

Emerging

I see

Green limbs

Contort

And form Infinity

A sign

Are you seeing this?

Our eyes meet

This is how

Time stands still

And we are soaked

And belly laughing

As we are drawn

Like magnets

To touch

Brush hands

And we race the sunset

Like little kids

Running full pelt

Against time

and darkness falling.

Tears tease my face –

Pressed into my hand –

Propped by an elbow

On a window frame.

Cars pass steadily

as Dandenong Rd comes

and goes like an old mate

Familiar but much changed.

Arriving early –

I take in the stillness

And silence –

The smell of the heat wave

the creaking pews

Under slow steps

The church – erect

Stifling

In it’s repression

Fills with the muffled sound

Of subdued people.

And suit jackets stay on

Despite the heat, which

Causes a steady sweat to

Drip the length of my back

As I watch the front rowers

And see that they don’t feel

Like it is quite real

And it is,

But it isn’t too –

And I cry passively

As we stand and sigh

Simultaneously.

Bring back the old days:

When we had progress going for us

Idealised hope for inclusivity

Cos we knew more and thought more

And saw the world of difference and embraced it

And I was sorely mistaken:

I thought you embraced me

Yet your arms fell to your side

and my body slipped away

And I fell hard

like I just found out

Santa was fake

Because you believed that

Social liberalism was code for

Self serving ignorance –

And I couldn’t unsee the irony

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